funny sayings

An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.

Getting out of jury duty is easy.
The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.


Procrastination gives you something to look forward to.



I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Marriage is like PI - natural, irrational, and very important.

A gas station is a place where you sometimes fill the car, but more often drain the kids.


Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.

I want a man who's kind and understanding.
Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?


Do you know why they call it 'PMS'?
Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken.



Always drink upstream from the herd.

A poor man's joke is always NOT funny, while a rich man's joke is always funny.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I am not sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.


The most dangerous position in which to sleep is with your feet on your office desk.


You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.


The goal of life is living in agreement with nature.


Life is a fatal complaint, and an eminently contagious one.


Life is a long lesson in humility.



Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Football doesn't build character, it reveals character!


If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.


God, as some cynic has said, is always on the side which has the best football coach.


You need to play with supreme confidence, or else you'll lose again, and then losing becomes a habit.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.


Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.


What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.


Work is the curse of the drinking classes.


Never give a sucker an even break.