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funny sayings 2010 06 07 p3



Mexico: where life is cheap, death is rich, and the buzzards are never unhappy.


When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

In the dog-eat-dog economy, the Doberman is boss.


Football is a game for trained apes. That, in fact, is what most of the players are--retarded gorillas wearing helmets and uniforms. The only thing more debased is the surrounding mob of d

funny sayings 2010 06 07 p4




It is not an easy thing to inflate a dog.


New Yorkers like to boast that if you can survive in New York, you can survive anywhere. But if you can survive anywhere, why live in New York?





If the end does not justify the means - what can?

You can't study the darkness by flooding it with light.



Belief in the supernatural reflects a failure of the imagination.

funny sayings 2010 06 07 p5



Women truly are better than men. Otherwise, they'd be intolerable.


Democracy--rule by the people--sounds like a fine thing; we should try it sometime in America.



Power is always dangerous. Power attracts the worst and corrupts the best.


Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.

The missionaries go forth to Christianize the savage

funny facebook sayings 2010 06 05 p2




Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.


I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.



I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.


I took a speed reading course and read 'W

funny facebook sayings 2010 06 05 p3



What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?


I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.


As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.


Eighty percent of success is showing up.


Life doesn't

funny facebook sayings 2010 06 05 p4


I am an only child. I have one sister.


When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for awhile. (at the 2002 Oscars)


I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.


I think you should defend to the death their right to marc

funny facebook sayings 2010 06 05 p5



In Beverly Hills...they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.


I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.



Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.


Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch.

funny facebook sayings 2010 06 05 p6



If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.


How can I believe in God when only last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?


Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?


You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.


Time is nature's way of keeping everything from ha

funny facebook sayings 2010 06 05 p7



Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.


I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.


What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.


I have bad r

funny facebook sayings 2010 06 05 p8




If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.


If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out o

funny facebook sayings 2010 06 05 p9



Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.




The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the ph

funny facebook sayings 2010 06 05 p10



I failed to make the chess team because of my height.


I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.


Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.


Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.


On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying


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