funnysayings.us » funny sayings

funny sayings 2010 05 22 p18


Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno


I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Bertrand Russell

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
Howard Nemerov

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben

Never wear anything that panics the cat

funny sayings 2010 05 22 p3


One of the hallmarks of the baby boomer generation is that it doesn’t live like the previous generation. It hasn’t yet given up jeans and T-shirts or beer.

Ron Klugman, SVP, Coors Brewing


A drunk mans words are a sober man’s thoughts.

Steve Fergosi


This is one of the disadvantages of wine; it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.

Samuel Johnson


Airp

funny sayings 2010 05 22 p19


Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz



I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are mem

funny sayings 2010 05 22 p4

The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. By diligent effort, I learned to like it.

Sir Winston Churchill


I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

WC Fields


It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow then to spend tonight like there’s no money

funny sayings 2010 05 22 p20


He would make a lovely corpse.
Charles Dickens

I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.
Paul Lynde


I rant, therefore I am.
Dennis Miller

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx


It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. Mencken

Military justice is to justice what milita

funny sayings 2010 05 22 p5

But the greatest love–the love above all loves, Even greater than that of a mother… Is the tender, passionate, undying love, Of one beer drunken slob for another.

Irish love ballad


The best place to drink beer is at home. Or on a river bank, if the fish don’t bother you.

American folk saying


Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wrigh

funny sayings 2010 05 22 p21


I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.
James Brown

Older people shouldn't eat hea

funny sayings 2010 05 22 p6


Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Dave Barry


An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Ernest Hemingway

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

Fashions have done more ha

funny sayings 2010 05 22 p22


I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
Stephen Fry

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

People always ask me, 'Were

funny sayings 2010 05 22 p7


Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

Sir Winston Churchill


Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Oscar Wilde


As I get older, I just prefer to knit.
Tracey Ullman

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
Marilyn vos Savant

Between two evils, I always pick the one I

funny sayings 2010 05 22 p23



I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
Will Rogers

I never said most of the things I said.
Yogi Berra



Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Henry A. Kissinger

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd

funny sayings 2010 05 22 p8


Beer is the reason I get out of bed every afternoon.

Anonymous


Why is there so much wine left at the end of my money?

Milan Maximovich


The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid.

Richard Braunstein



All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Casey Stengel

All you need is lo


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