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funny sayings 2010 03 06 p5



It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown


You can't have everything... where would you put it? ~Steven Wright


He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. ~Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981


He who believes that the past cann

funny sayings 2010 03 06 p6


Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East

Maybe this world is another planet's hell. ~Aldous Huxley


Murphy was an optimist. ~O'Toole's Commentary


The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. ~Nicholas Chamfort


The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people wh

funny sayings 2010 03 06 p7


I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. ~Dave Beard


There's no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~Jerry Seinfeld


The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. ~Woody Allen


My

funny sayings 2010 03 06 p8



May those who love us love us,
and those who do not love us,
may God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their limping.
~Irish Prayer



Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown


A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him. ~Sir W

funny sayings 2010 03 06 p9


Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig


A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name. ~Evan Esar


Home is heaven and orgies are vile,
But I like an orgy, once in a while.
~Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home


Can we actually "know" the universe? My God, it's hard enough

funny sayings 2010 03 06 p10


All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought. ~Robert Brault,


I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen


Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. ~From the movie Naked


Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean t

funny sayings 2010 03 06 p11

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. ~Author Unknown


The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg. ~Author Unknown


The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Author Unknown



She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. ~Mae West


If you cannot answer a man's ar

funny thanksgiving sayings 2010 03 05 p2

Happy We-Stole-Your-Land-and-Killed-Your-People Day! ~Thanksgiving toast, from the movie Sweet November
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence. ~Erma Bombeck

On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence. ~William Jennings Bryan

Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use


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