funnysayings.us » funny sayings

funny cartoon sayings 2010 06 01 p1


A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
- Buster Keaton

It may be your sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.
- Unknown



You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.

Buffet; A French word that means "get up and get it yourself.



As you get older three things happen. The first is your

funny cartoon sayings 2010 06 01 p3


Isn’t it funny howthe people who want quiet are always the loudest trying to get everyone else to shut up.
- Unknown

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?
- Unknown



I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.


The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.


That is the best -- to laugh with someone because you think the same thing

funny cartoon sayings 2010 06 01 p4


Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,
my first instinct is to laugh.
But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.
Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.
- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts



You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.




If ignorance is bliss, why aren't t

funny cartoon sayings 2010 06 01 p5


In order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.
- Unknown

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
- Unknown

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.


I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.


My act is very educational. I heard a man leavin

funny cartoon sayings 2010 06 01 p6


The word ‘politics’ is made up of the words ‘poli’ meaning ‘many’ in Latin, and ‘tics’ as in ‘bloodsucking creatures’
- Unknown

When all else fails. Follow instructions.



Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote c

funny sayings 2010 05 p1



There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.



"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

funny sayings 2010 05 p2


Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.


There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush





Everyone needs believe in someth

funny sayings 2010 05 p3


What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.


There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.


The road to success is always under construction.


I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places

funny sayings 2010 05 p4



How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
Put a little boogy in it!

All generalizations are false, including this one.




If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.


I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.


You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson


Constantly choosi

funny sayings 2010 05 p5



Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757



Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge


I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. A. Whitney Brown

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.


When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- n

funny sayings 2010 05 p6



Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates



Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin


"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams



Energizer Bunny arre

funny sayings 2010 05 p7



What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am, but I'm going really fast.




Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.



I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!


Worst exc


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