funnysayings.us » funny sayings

funny facebook sayings 2010 06 05 p11



It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.


I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.


I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.


funny facebook sayings 2010 06 05 p1



I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.


When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.


I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.


I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy. (Clown Prince of American H

funny msn sayings 2010 06 03 p1


I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.


Worrying works! 90% o

funny msn sayings 2010 06 03 p2



I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.



Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Politicians

funny msn sayings 2010 06 03 p3



Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I didn'

funny msn sayings 2010 06 03 p4



Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.



Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.


I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it f

funny msn sayings 2010 06 03 p5

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.



Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.




A diplomat is someone who can

funny msn sayings 2010 06 03 p6

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.


A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?


The main reason Santa is so joll

funny msn sayings 2010 06 03 p7


War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.



I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Knowledg

funny msn sayings 2010 06 03 p8


My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.


Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

I should've known it wa

funny msn sayings 2010 06 03 p9



Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.


If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...



A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.



I don't trust anythin

funny msn sayings 2010 06 03 p10



To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.




Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

I discovered I scream


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