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funny sayings 2013 08 28

  • The kiwi bird is a direct descendant of the tyrannosaurus rex.
  • You maybe cool, but you will never be Mongolian-Wolf-hunter-riding-home-holding-the-eagle-he-used-to-hunt-the-pelts-he's-wearing cool.
  • Why are fire trucks red? Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight is twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is

funny sayings 2013 08 26

  • Tonight as I was washing dishes my children decided they wanted to play the drums..using my huge rear as their instruments. Yay parenting.
  • There are no bad pictures, that's just how your face looks sometimes. -- Abraham Lincoln
  • If you're an astronaut and you don't end every relationship by saying "look, I just need space" then you're wasting everyone's time.

Total BS Breakup Lines

  • The Line => Translation
  • You deserve better. => I deserve better.
  • We're too alike. => You bore me.
  • You just don't get me => I just don't want you.
  • I'm not ready for the real thing. => This isn't the real thing.
  • I love you like a friend => You don't really turn me on.
  • I need space => I want to get far, far away from you.

funny sayings 2013 08 21

  • You can't ruin a relationship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.
  • The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
  • Embarrass me in the grocery store again and mommy will blare her 80's one hit wonders collection while dropping you off at school.
  • welcome to facebook, where likes cu

funny sayings 2013 08 19

  • My friends said to me today, "It says in the bible, 'he who is not your enemy is your friend." I said to him, "Only a Sith Deals in absolutes."
  • If you ever google "Gary Oldman" for god's sake don't forget the "R". Worst experience in my life.
  • If you see a guy opening a car door for a girl, its one of two things, either a new girl, or a new car!
  • God

funny sayings 2013 08 16

  • They've got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it's awesome - it's got Mars bars, KitKat Chunkys, crisps...Everything!
  • Would a LION cheat on his wife? No, But A TIGER Wood.
  • To turn on the calculator, press ON at the bottom left hand corner, if your calculator has "NO" at the top right corner,

Top 10 Rules of Boozing

  • 1. It's okay to drink alone.
  • 2. Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
  • 3. In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is strength, but whiskey is the water of life.
  • 4. Drunken words are sober thoughts, listen carefully.
  • 5. If you do something really stupid, never blame it on the booze or on being drink.
  • 6. If he/she is still

funny sayings 2013 08 12

  • highly dangerous virus called "Weekly Overload Recreational Killer" (WORK) is currently going around.
  • If you come in contact with this WORK virus, you should immediately go to the nearest "Biological Anxiety Relief" (BAR) center to take antidotes known as "Work Isolation Neutralizer Extract" (WINE), "Radioactive UnWORK Medicine"(RUM), "Bothersome Employer Elimination Reboot

funny sayings 2013 08 09

  • A: 'Hello Baby, here you want to play with this?' B:'You can't give paper clips to a baby, he could swallow it.' A:' Oh, it's okay, I've got tons of them.'
  • The history channel: Then) Intelligent, made by people who knew history. Now) The redneck channel, Aliens, Conspiracies,swamp logging, barely any history.
  • I'm slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through

funny sayings 2013 08 07

  • As a young child my mother told me I can be anyone I want to be, turns out this is called Identity theft.
  • Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and e

funny sayings 2013 08 05

  • In the event of an emergency water landing, your seat cushion doubles as a flotation device to keep you above water until you freeze and die.
  • If you are reading this, you have survived your entire life up until this point, you have survived traumas, heartbreak, devastation, the different phases of life, and here you are ,you are awesome.
  • My wife's credit cards we

funny sayings 2013 08 02

  • All our life our parents told us not to write on walls. Facebook teaches us differently.
  • Facebook is starting to be like my fridge, I know nothing is there but I keep checking it anyway...
  • The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
  • How is it that when

funny sayings 2013 07 31

  • Dear William & Kate: If William is 100% royal and Princess kate is 0% royal, will that make your son a half-blood prince?
  • The English murder their meat twice: once when they shoot it and once when they cook it.
  • Do animals think in English, or in the sounds they make?
  • If you are dating a girl who doesn't like Star Wars puns, you're looking for lov


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