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funny sayings 2013 07 22

  • I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
  • The Goat: When I eat grass, it's like I'm giving the world a haircut.
  • I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
  • Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease.

funny sayings 2013 07 19

  • Emigration to the USA is a good thing.Everytime someone moves to live in the USA from their home country the average IQ of both countries goes up.
  • If someone throws a stone at you, throw a flower at them. But remember to throw the flower pot with it.
  • When I get old, I'm not going to sit around knitting. I'm going to be clicking my Life Alert Button to see how m

funny sayings 2013 07 17

  • A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talk to each other, instead of about each other.
  • Facebook is a strange place. The place where peoeple add you as a friend and walk past you in the street. Where relationships are perfect, affairs are started, and liars believe they are telling the truth. Your enemies visit your pro file the most, yet your friends and fami

funny sayings 2013 07 15

funny sayings 2013 07 15
  • Mario Kart's "The closer to 1st place you are, the less useful power-ups you get" system is an ideal model for how our economy should work.
  • My names is Seth. I'm a brother. I'm a son. I'm a husband. I'm a husband. I'm a husband. And I'm a Mormon.
  • Everything happens for a reason.. so when I smack you, remember, I had a good freakin' reaso

funny sayings 2013 07 12

  • Everyday I get to work with the best intentions and the right attitude, then idiots happen...
  • I can't believe the USA is 2013 years old today. Happy birthday!
  • Just because there are plenty of fish in the sea, it doesn't mean that any of them will want to be around you.
  • If HEAT makes things expand... I don't have a weight problem, I am just HOT...

funny sayings 2013 07 10

  • I wish people were like money, so you could hold them up to the light to see which ones are real and which ones are fake.
  • A woman without curves is like a road without bends... You might get to your destination quicker, but the ride is boring as hell...
  • LIFE is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can't laugh at yourself, call me, I'll laugh at you!

funny sayings 2013 07 08

  • Guns are welcome on premises: please keep all weapons holstered unless need arises, in such a case, judicious marksmanship is appreciated.
  • Why do I barely get service in my house but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan.
  • A clothing company has come out with new 3D T-shirts. Which is great, but you know who's been wearing 3D T-shirts

funny sayings 2013 07 05

  • Whenever you do something stupid, just remember that Roman emperor Caligula waged a war on Poseidon. He had his army march to the beach and told them to start stabbing the water.
  • How to teach your children about tax: eat 30% of their icecream.
  • One of the worst things about politics? Nobody remembers how much they hated the previous guy because they're too busy

funny sayings 2013 07 03

  • Why must God test us pretty people so much more than the regular lumpy people?
  • I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don't want to go out with a weirdo.
  • In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco"
  • Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide, use th

Things you might say if you never took Physics

  • Things you might say if you never took Physics: "Everyone has an energy field."
  • Things you might say if you never took Physics: "Everything goes from order to disorder, so life shouldn't exist."
  • Things you might say if you never took Physics: "I'm cold. Let's snuggle to make each other warmer."
  • Things you might say if you never took Physics: "I'm overweight

funny sayings 2013 06 27

  • Facebook has hashtags. Instagram has videos. Soon all social networking will meld into one big, gelatinous ooze that will consume us all. And it still won't have a dislike button.
  • Conductor: "When you play that phrase, it should sound like the heavens opening, like all of humanity crying out with joy." Trombones: "So do you want it louder or softer?"
  • Tried to drow

funny sayings 2013 06 25

  • Love is not having to hold your farts in anymore.
  • I think its funny that people who treat you like crap get offended when you finally do the same to them.
  • Alcohold does not make you FAT. It makes you lean... against tables, chairs, floors, w alls and ugly people.
  • I have a disease called AWESOME, you don't understand it since you don't have it.

Rules For dating my daughter

  • 1. Get a job.
  • 2. Understand I don't like you.
  • 3. I'm everywhere.
  • 4. You hurt her, I hurt you.
  • 5. Be home 30 minutes early.
  • 6. Get a lawyer.
  • 7. If you lie to me, I will find out.
  • 8. She's my princess, not your conquest.
  • 9. I don't mind going back to jail.
  • 10. Whatever you do to her, I will do to you


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