funny sayings

Nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.

Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.

I was so shocked when I was born that I didn’t talk for a year and half!

The chance of a piece of bread falling the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.


I’d buy you a drink, but i’d be jealous of the straw.


What do you do w

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’


The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.


The road to success is usually under construction.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone

Sex is like air, it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.


Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.


Who are these kids and why are they calling me mom


In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light!” And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better. — Ellen DeGeneres


Always take money from a

You never truly understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother.


People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?


Clones are people two.


I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.



If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?


Thinking is the last thing

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.


Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow.


Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.


I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

Teamwork is essential – it

Death is nature's way of telling you it’s time to slow down.


Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.


Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.

Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don’t have a good partne

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

We all basically go back to being children in the dentist's chair.

Those who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $9,000,000, which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, de

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.

Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

I won't hesitate for a moment to avoid answering!

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.


When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I

Happy Children's Day

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the ques

Be good – and if you can't be good, be careful.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.


You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Okay, so God made man first, but doesn't ev

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?


If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.


If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

All generalizations are dangerous, even this one.


The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided.


Worry is like a rocking chair; it keeps you

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers

Everyone has the ability of making someone happy, some by entering the room, others by leaving it.

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.

My opinio