funny sayings

When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.


A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it beg

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.


BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.


I’m not normally a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman!


When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.


Adam and Eve had an ideal marria

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

No matter where you go – You’re always there! And you’re never there, because you’re always here!


What do sheep count when they can’t sleep?

When they first invented the clock, how did they

Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.


I like being single. I’m always there when I need me.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealing with men

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn’t want to live there.


People like you are the reason people like me take pills.

Facebook status: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO.

If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?


Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now!


Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

I drink to make other people interesting.

Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them.


The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.


Always be sincere ……even when you don’t mean it

Sleep: a completely inadequate substitute for caffeine.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.

The last time I took advice, it only worked because I changed it.

If a man tells a woman she’s beautiful she’ll overlook most of his other lies.


I don’t mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch!


How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re o

When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.

If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.

I swear to make no promises I cannot keep.

If you’re robbing a bank and you’re pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

Acupuncture is pointless.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Wo

The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.


It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.

Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my computer ha

After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why the doctors wear masks in the operating room.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.


Software isn’t released, it’s allowed to escape.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.


In my house I’m the boss. My wife is just the dec

I became self employed and I still have a jerk for a boss.

Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.

Cleaning your house while

Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.

A perfect method of adding drama to life is to wait until the deadline looms large.

Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

Life is an open door. It can be closed at any time, so don’t complain about the draught.

My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely!!!

What should