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funny sayings 2013 09 18

  • The thing that frightens me the most about having an offspring is the thought of my child turning into an angry YouTube commenter.
  • My dentist once told me that letting go is like pulling a tooth. When it was pulled out, you're relieved, but how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just be cause it w

funny sayings 2013 09 16

  • I have always given 100% at work and it workds really well. 10% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 12% on Thursday, 5% on Friday.
  • I have found my sleep number and it is seven, seven beers.
  • During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles. Who the XXXXX runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?
  • Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless l

funny sayings 2013 09 13

  • When a person dies and no one will miss them, the mouring is assigned to a random human. This is why you sometimes just feel sad.
  • New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can't keep him :( He's ginger and named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old and works in IT.
  • Turns out when a guy says "my girlfirend died of terminal cancer" it sounds exactly like "my

funny sayings 2013 09 11

  • Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversations much more interesting.
  • At a coffee shop today two people asked me if I could watch their valuables for them. I guess this means I have a trustworthy face. In unrelated news, I have two MacBooks for sale, if anybody wants them.
  • NOTICE: If you notice this notice, you'll notice this notice is not worth noticing. thank

funny sayings 2013 09 09

  • Do not trust atoms, they make up everything.
  • We have beer as cold as your girlfirend's heart.
  • In 7th grade I went to see a movie with a boy and in the middle of it , he was like "do you wanna kiss" and I was like "excuse me", and he pulled a bag of hershey's kisses out of his coat.Do you realize what a good backup plan that is.
  • Have you ever been cut

Things no one says anymore...

  • "Oh good , the new phonebook's here." 1879~2004
  • "Man,I want that new flip phone so bad." 1996~2007
  • "That lindsay lohan girl really has her s..t together!" 1997~2010
  • "Hey, let's go watch music videos on MTV" 1981~2008
  • "Isn't it rad how the sun revolves around the earth?" 4000bc~1643
  • "You're 18, you should be married with kids

funny sayings 2013 09 04

  • New Parent Idea: 1. Take pictures of you pulling baby out of spacecraft in forest. 2. Hide pictures in attic for kid to find when he's 10.
  • Why do dogs bark? Researchers say it's simply because they're dogs.
  • College admission should be, "Use your, you're, then, than, their, there and they're in sentences." If you fail, you restart the 4th grade.
  • Jewe

funny sayings 2013 09 01

  • Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
  • Just learned to tie my shoe, now I have to do it myself for the rest of my life.
  • 9 out of 10 husbands agreed that their wives are always right. The 10th husband hasn't been seen since t

funny sayings 2013 08 30

  • Just caught up on all my social media after the weekend. Guys, quit making fun of Miley Cyrus. She's going to make a great Batman.
  • The girl found her stolen bike listed on Craigslist and arranged to meet the guy... Asked to take it for a test ride and just never stopped pedaling.
  • Spider in your bed? Vitamin-packed kale gives you the energy and strength needed t

funny sayings 2013 08 28

  • The kiwi bird is a direct descendant of the tyrannosaurus rex.
  • You maybe cool, but you will never be Mongolian-Wolf-hunter-riding-home-holding-the-eagle-he-used-to-hunt-the-pelts-he's-wearing cool.
  • Why are fire trucks red? Because they have eight wheels and four people on them, and four plus eight is twelve, and there are twelve inches in a foot, and one foot is

funny sayings 2013 08 26

  • Tonight as I was washing dishes my children decided they wanted to play the drums..using my huge rear as their instruments. Yay parenting.
  • There are no bad pictures, that's just how your face looks sometimes. -- Abraham Lincoln
  • If you're an astronaut and you don't end every relationship by saying "look, I just need space" then you're wasting everyone's time.

Total BS Breakup Lines

  • The Line => Translation
  • You deserve better. => I deserve better.
  • We're too alike. => You bore me.
  • You just don't get me => I just don't want you.
  • I'm not ready for the real thing. => This isn't the real thing.
  • I love you like a friend => You don't really turn me on.
  • I need space => I want to get far, far away from you.

funny sayings 2013 08 21

  • You can't ruin a relationship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.
  • The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
  • Embarrass me in the grocery store again and mommy will blare her 80's one hit wonders collection while dropping you off at school.
  • welcome to facebook, where likes cu


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