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funny sayings 2014 01 08

  • Okay so this just happened. I wake up, go to the toilet. As I'm doing my business, a spider crawls along the floor and I look at it. Quietly under my breath, I mutter "oh f*** sake, not tonight" and the spider just stopped, turned around and went back under the cupboard it came from. Is this the spider equivalent of parselmouth?
  • If you think women are the weaker sex, try pul

funny sayings 2014 01 06

  • Have you ever just taken your goth girlfriend out on a date but it gets dark out and you lose her in the parking lot.
  • A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
  • If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!
  • Drunk people run stop signs

funny sayings 2014 01 03

  • Tired of watching the Douche with the guitar get the women? Become that Douche.
  • When I get mad at my wife, I tighten all the lids in the house.
  • The phrase "history is bound to repeat itself" makes more sense now that I've taken this history class for the third time.
  • Cold? Buy a book! You'll still be cold, but you'll have a book.
  • If you

funny sayings 2013 12 30

  • I don't always take out the recycling, but when I do I look like a raging alcoholic.
  • I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet and sawdust bedding. No wait, Hamsters, I hate hamsters.
  • Women are like bacon, they look good, smell good, taste good and slowly kill men.
  • 2014 is gonna be tough because it's hard to chagne a 3 to a 4.

funny sayings 2013 12 27

  • People pay ridiculous amounts of money for caviar, which are just fish eggs. Women don't use all of the eggs that their bodies produce. WHen a woman dies, we should harvest the unused eggs and sell them.
  • Today's relationships: you can touch each other but not each others' phones.
  • Child me: WOW when am a teenager I'm gonna go out with my friends to the mall and

funny sayings 2013 12 23

  • When two people kiss...they create a really long tube with assholes on both ends.
  • And then the Lord Jesus turned the water into wine while whispering to himself, "Turn Up"
  • My brother took being sent to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that we n

funny sayings 2013 12 20

  • Refuse to watch Lord of the Rings on account of how they rip off everything from Game of Thrones.
  • No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don't Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March...
  • Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
  • Whoever stole my Microsoft O

funny sayings 2013 12 18

  • On a road trip with my dad when I was young, he pulls out a diet pepsi and opens it, I yell "DOn't drink and driver!" and knock it out of his hand.
  • Turns out my social skills are a bit rusty - a colleague's wife said all her kids had blonde hair and blue eyes to which I responded "Hitler would be proud!". Safe to say I won't be seeing her again.
  • People say laught

funny sayings 2013 12 16

  • I bet we could go explore the galaxy if we could stop being dicks for like five minutes.
  • Men are like dogs, we're excited to see you and have no clue what you're mad about.
  • As a mortician, I always tie the shoelaces together of the dead. Cause if there is ever a zombie apocalypse, it will be hilarious.
  • Myspace is my ex husband, Facebook is my baby dad

funny sayings 2013 12 13

  • I can sadly tell I'm growing up by my attraction to women. I know this because unfortunately my quests for butts and boobs are all too quickly being replaced with phrases like "Goddamn look at the emotional availability on that one" or "Yeah girl, shake that independent personality that will allow me to pursue my ambitions";
  • This is a pretty shitty flash mob. It's in my li

funny sayings 2013 12 11

  • When you think about how huge the earth is, and how it's just a fraction the size of the sun, which is just a speck of dust in the entire universe... it's easy to rationalize eating an entire cake.
  • So I'm sitting in an airport restaurant waiting for my flight back to Charlottesville when an interesting scene unfolds in front of me. A pretty girl is sitting by herself when

funny sayings 2013 12 09

  • I was buying flowers for a girl and the cashier said "someone's in trouble" and I stared at him and said "yeah, my friend can't get out of his f**king coffin" the look I got from him was glorious.
  • Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
  • So I just watched my dog bark at his reflection for 10 min and thought of how much of a retard he

funny sayings 2013 12 06

  • Last night I was lying in bed talking to Siri, asking him to wake me up in the morning and to remind me of a couple of things. He said something funny and laughed. Then I realized it: I'm dating my phone.
  • A mother was trying to explain to her son about the miracle of chanukah but the kid didn't understand, So she told him, imageine you charge your iPhone and it lasts you 8 d


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