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funny sayings 2014 03 03

  • Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy".
  • In case of fire, exit building before tweeting about it.
  • "Live everyday as if you were a T-Rex" - Elvis.
  • Forever: time it takes to brew the first pot of coffee in the morning.
  • end of funny sayings 2014 03 03

funny sayings 2014 02 28

  • The ten year old I babysit asked me this morning "Jes- do you know how to get a date with a hot guy?" I said no and asked how and his response was "you say 'hey! I'm 80% water! Do you wanna go out with me?' everyone likes water so he has to say yes."
  • I'm annoyed. I'm at starbucks, and I'm surrounded by 6 sorority girls who've talked for 2 hours about nothing but how their

funny sayings 2014 02 24

  • High way to melbourne looks like there's been a zombie eclipse, dead kangas everywhere!
  • Science is hard... so it must be wrong!
  • Hey pretty, wanna date me ? Yes=smile , No=backflip.
  • At the end of a great first date, I went in for a kiss on the cheek. But instead of a kiss back, he just pushed his cheek into mine and yelled "Cheek bump!".
  • Th

funny sayings 2014 02 21

  • My girlfriend said to go out and get her something that make her look sexy, so I came back drunk.
  • I love you with all my butt, I would say heart, but my butt's bigger.
  • A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
  • Exercise Block: put the block on the floor, walk around it , you have now walked around the block. Do it again.
  • I am a firm belie

funny sayings 2014 02 18

  • Everyone says there are plenty of fish in the sea, you just have to use the right lure. Unfortunately women aren't fish.
  • If prisons let prisoners take their own mugshots, would it be called cellfies?
  • A Valentine's Poem: Roses are red, violets are blue, chocolates are pricey, and the same color as poo.
  • Everything happens for a reason, sometimes tha

funny sayings 2014 02 14

  • To whomever leaves the coffee pot empty: If you don't know how to make coffee, please come see me. I'd be glad to teach you. If you're too important to make coffee, please come see me. It would be an honor to meet you.
  • A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world. Oh sorry, that's wine. Wine does that.
  • I was doing some research on a t

funny sayings 2014 02 12

  • 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
  • I only drink on two occasions... when it's my birthday and when it's not.
  • Had a very rude client, who gave me the "nice pictures! you must have an awesome camera". *compliment* ...... I turned to her and said, "nice face! you must have really awesome makeup."
  • Girls date assholes for the same reason I

funny sayings 2014 02 09

  • So my mother comes home from the store and immediately opens a box of Cocoa Puffs with joy. She took out the "prize" which was a Star Wars pen. She bought the cereal just for the pen. WHen I was little, she refused to let me get a cereal just for a toy.
  • To the girl who stole the grenadine bottle from behind the bar and drank half of it. Grenadine is not alcoholic, it's a f

funny sayings 2014 01 27

  • I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look, that one is shaped like an idiot."
  • The Western lowland gorilla's scientific name is Gorilla gorilla gorilla.
  • High School students in 2013 had the same anxiety levels as insane asylum patients in the 1950s.
  • end of funny sayings 2014 01 27

funny sayings 2014 01 24

funny sayings 2014 01 24
  • The boss mentality: Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.
  • High school is like a free trial on education and then once you've graduated they say "now if you wanna continue pay $50,000".
  • When you wish upon a star, you are a few million light years late. The star is long dead, and so is your dream.
  • In 1770, British parliamen

funny sayings 2014 01 22

  • Somebody tried to tell me there was 50 stats in America. Nuh uh cause the scientists found out that Pluto don't exists. We got 49 dumbass.
  • Remember kids, if you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing.
  • Sometimes, whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two M&M's in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one M&M cracks. I eat the cracked one, and t

funny sayings 2014 01 20

  • Why use Google, when Jesus has all the answers? Not gonna ask Jesus where to find midget porn.
  • What do you get if you cross an octopus with a cow? A stern rebuke from the Research Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of funding.
  • One thing I've learned from Disney movies: The best way to change someone's attitude is to turn them into a bear.

funny sayings 2014 01 13

  • Paused Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory to get a snickers. This is why I can't watch breaking bad.
  • Scotch whisky is made from barley and the morning dew on angel's nipples.
  • War: God's way of teaching Americans geography.
  • For the first time ever, I used a staple remover for its actual purpose, rather than just messing around, pretending it's a b


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