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funny sayings 2014 02 14

  • To whomever leaves the coffee pot empty: If you don't know how to make coffee, please come see me. I'd be glad to teach you. If you're too important to make coffee, please come see me. It would be an honor to meet you.
  • A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world. Oh sorry, that's wine. Wine does that.
  • I was doing some research on a t

funny sayings 2014 02 12

  • 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
  • I only drink on two occasions... when it's my birthday and when it's not.
  • Had a very rude client, who gave me the "nice pictures! you must have an awesome camera". *compliment* ...... I turned to her and said, "nice face! you must have really awesome makeup."
  • Girls date assholes for the same reason I

funny sayings 2014 02 09

  • So my mother comes home from the store and immediately opens a box of Cocoa Puffs with joy. She took out the "prize" which was a Star Wars pen. She bought the cereal just for the pen. WHen I was little, she refused to let me get a cereal just for a toy.
  • To the girl who stole the grenadine bottle from behind the bar and drank half of it. Grenadine is not alcoholic, it's a f

funny sayings 2014 01 27

  • I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look, that one is shaped like an idiot."
  • The Western lowland gorilla's scientific name is Gorilla gorilla gorilla.
  • High School students in 2013 had the same anxiety levels as insane asylum patients in the 1950s.
  • end of funny sayings 2014 01 27

funny sayings 2014 01 24

funny sayings 2014 01 24
  • The boss mentality: Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.
  • High school is like a free trial on education and then once you've graduated they say "now if you wanna continue pay $50,000".
  • When you wish upon a star, you are a few million light years late. The star is long dead, and so is your dream.
  • In 1770, British parliamen

funny sayings 2014 01 22

  • Somebody tried to tell me there was 50 stats in America. Nuh uh cause the scientists found out that Pluto don't exists. We got 49 dumbass.
  • Remember kids, if you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing.
  • Sometimes, whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two M&M's in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one M&M cracks. I eat the cracked one, and t

funny sayings 2014 01 20

  • Why use Google, when Jesus has all the answers? Not gonna ask Jesus where to find midget porn.
  • What do you get if you cross an octopus with a cow? A stern rebuke from the Research Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of funding.
  • One thing I've learned from Disney movies: The best way to change someone's attitude is to turn them into a bear.

funny sayings 2014 01 13

  • Paused Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory to get a snickers. This is why I can't watch breaking bad.
  • Scotch whisky is made from barley and the morning dew on angel's nipples.
  • War: God's way of teaching Americans geography.
  • For the first time ever, I used a staple remover for its actual purpose, rather than just messing around, pretending it's a b

funny sayings 2014 01 08

  • Okay so this just happened. I wake up, go to the toilet. As I'm doing my business, a spider crawls along the floor and I look at it. Quietly under my breath, I mutter "oh f*** sake, not tonight" and the spider just stopped, turned around and went back under the cupboard it came from. Is this the spider equivalent of parselmouth?
  • If you think women are the weaker sex, try pul

funny sayings 2014 01 06

  • Have you ever just taken your goth girlfriend out on a date but it gets dark out and you lose her in the parking lot.
  • A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want 2 impress that beautiful girl , which machine can I use?" Trainer replies: "Use the ATM"
  • If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass!
  • Drunk people run stop signs

funny sayings 2014 01 03

  • Tired of watching the Douche with the guitar get the women? Become that Douche.
  • When I get mad at my wife, I tighten all the lids in the house.
  • The phrase "history is bound to repeat itself" makes more sense now that I've taken this history class for the third time.
  • Cold? Buy a book! You'll still be cold, but you'll have a book.
  • If you

funny sayings 2013 12 30

  • I don't always take out the recycling, but when I do I look like a raging alcoholic.
  • I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet and sawdust bedding. No wait, Hamsters, I hate hamsters.
  • Women are like bacon, they look good, smell good, taste good and slowly kill men.
  • 2014 is gonna be tough because it's hard to chagne a 3 to a 4.

funny sayings 2013 12 27

  • People pay ridiculous amounts of money for caviar, which are just fish eggs. Women don't use all of the eggs that their bodies produce. WHen a woman dies, we should harvest the unused eggs and sell them.
  • Today's relationships: you can touch each other but not each others' phones.
  • Child me: WOW when am a teenager I'm gonna go out with my friends to the mall and


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