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funny sayings 2014 05 23

funny sayings 2014 05 23
  • If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of 4 girls on Instagram, and then comment, "You 3 look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
  • I stubbed my toe and naturally I screamed "MOTHER F***ER" and then my dad poked his head out of the livingroom and said "you rang?"
  • In case of fire: please leave the building before posting it on socia

funny sayings 2014 05 16

funny sayings 2014 05 16
  • Two students, James and John, who are required by an English test to describe a man who, in the past, had suffered from a cold. John writes "The man had a cold" which the teacher marks as being incorrect, while James writes the correct "The man had had a cold." Since James' answer was right, it had had a better effect on the teacher. James, while John had had

funny sayings 2014 05 09

funny sayings 2014 05 09
  • "I can do that. Hold my beer" - My last words, probably.
  • Ladies, if you think your man is cheating, take him to that bitch's front door and see if his wifi connects.
  • Science is magic that works.
  • It's a lot easier to start the day when you know it will end with BEER.
  • To relieve stress we do Yoga... Just kidding, we

funny sayings 2014 04 30

funny sayings 2014 04 30
  • We live in a world where losing your phone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.
  • I don't fart, I whisper in my panties... sometimes it's a scream.
  • "A vodka, please." "Sir, this is McDonald's." "Ok, a MacVodka, please."
  • Kids have so much energy because they siphon it out of their parents like midget gasoline thieves

funny sayings 2014 04 25

funny sayings 2014 04 25
  • I don't need to flirt, I will seduce you with my awkwardness.
  • Some guy is so intent on spoiling Game of Thrones that he actually wrote a series of novels dedicated to telling you what's gonna happen.
  • Those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it, yet those who do study history are doomed to stand by helplessly while everyone el

funny sayings 2014 04 18

  • I'm at that awkward age where half my friends are engaged and having babies and the other half are too drunk to even find their phones.
  • So if someone accidentally butt dials you and tries to FaceTime, is it called "butt facing"?
  • Answered the door to mormons in a pikachu onesie, calmy said 'as you can see I firmly believe in evolution' then shut the door. This day

funny sayings 2014 04 14

  • If WILL.I.AM's gravestone doesn't say WILL.I.WAS, I'll be pretty disappointed.
  • I sometimes make fake OKCupid accounts, just so guys can tell me how pretty I am.
  • I've got some kind of allergic reaction going on and my face is breaking out in a bad rash and my mom is freaking out and wants to take me to the ER and my dad was like "let's not make any rash decisio

funny sayings 2014 04 01

  • My lanyard got caught on the knob and my keys swung inside the door as I closed it. This has to be the stupidest possible way to lock yourself out.
  • If your grave doesn't say "rest in peace" on it, you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war.
  • So my mother asked me to stop cursing on Facebook. She says it isn't very lady-like. So from now on I'm going to

funny sayings 2014 03 26

  • Introverts don't get ready for a party. They gather strength for a party.
  • I am not a princess, I'm a khaleesi.
  • My beautiful girlfriend and I have been together for 14 months now and I love every moment of it. She is always there when I need her and we spend every moment that I'm not at work together with her. She even only makes me spend $60 per year on her. # x

funny sayings 2014 03 21

  • ok, so according to science, the universe was not created by God, but rather in a huge explosion... but let me get this straight... last I chcked, explosions destroyed things, right? so if this is true, then an explosion couldn't have created anything. Thus this means The Big Bang never occurred... so does this make the most brilliant of geniuses wrong? feeling clever.
  • When

funny sayings 2014 03 17

  • Pornhub titles always lack depth and imagination. Yes, we know college girl is trying anal for first time, but what's her major? her dreams?
  • It's always the ones who've done the least in life that always have something to say.
  • My girlfriend left a note on the fridge: "it's not working. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to my Mom's place." I open the fridge. The

funny sayings 2014 03 14

  • I want to grow my own food, but I can't find bacon seeds.
  • You claim that five years experience and a master's level of understanding is a requirement for the job posting, the fact that your posted salary was $24K a year has determined that these requirements were a lie.
  • My ex is still my friend on Facebook. Because I'm stupid. But I think it's also because I must

funny sayings 2014 03 12

  • If barraco barner is our president, why is he getting involved with Russia, scary.
  • The new Pope is a humble man, very much like me, which probably explains why I like him so much! -- Donald Trump
  • Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks back and change batteries in smoke alarms.
  • When a woman is attracted to man, she speaks in a hi


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