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funny sayings 2014 04 01

  • My lanyard got caught on the knob and my keys swung inside the door as I closed it. This has to be the stupidest possible way to lock yourself out.
  • If your grave doesn't say "rest in peace" on it, you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war.
  • So my mother asked me to stop cursing on Facebook. She says it isn't very lady-like. So from now on I'm going to

funny sayings 2014 03 26

  • Introverts don't get ready for a party. They gather strength for a party.
  • I am not a princess, I'm a khaleesi.
  • My beautiful girlfriend and I have been together for 14 months now and I love every moment of it. She is always there when I need her and we spend every moment that I'm not at work together with her. She even only makes me spend $60 per year on her. # x

funny sayings 2014 03 21

  • ok, so according to science, the universe was not created by God, but rather in a huge explosion... but let me get this straight... last I chcked, explosions destroyed things, right? so if this is true, then an explosion couldn't have created anything. Thus this means The Big Bang never occurred... so does this make the most brilliant of geniuses wrong? feeling clever.
  • When

funny sayings 2014 03 17

  • Pornhub titles always lack depth and imagination. Yes, we know college girl is trying anal for first time, but what's her major? her dreams?
  • It's always the ones who've done the least in life that always have something to say.
  • My girlfriend left a note on the fridge: "it's not working. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to my Mom's place." I open the fridge. The

funny sayings 2014 03 14

  • I want to grow my own food, but I can't find bacon seeds.
  • You claim that five years experience and a master's level of understanding is a requirement for the job posting, the fact that your posted salary was $24K a year has determined that these requirements were a lie.
  • My ex is still my friend on Facebook. Because I'm stupid. But I think it's also because I must

funny sayings 2014 03 12

  • If barraco barner is our president, why is he getting involved with Russia, scary.
  • The new Pope is a humble man, very much like me, which probably explains why I like him so much! -- Donald Trump
  • Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks back and change batteries in smoke alarms.
  • When a woman is attracted to man, she speaks in a hi

funny sayings 2014 03 05

  • The question asked "have you ever been convicted of a crime" followed by "Explain why". So I put "no" and "good lawyer".
  • To those day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
  • To all the girls who are in a hurry to have a boyfriend or get married, a piece of Biblical advice: "Ruth pa

funny sayings 2014 03 03

  • Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy".
  • In case of fire, exit building before tweeting about it.
  • "Live everyday as if you were a T-Rex" - Elvis.
  • Forever: time it takes to brew the first pot of coffee in the morning.
  • end of funny sayings 2014 03 03

funny sayings 2014 02 28

  • The ten year old I babysit asked me this morning "Jes- do you know how to get a date with a hot guy?" I said no and asked how and his response was "you say 'hey! I'm 80% water! Do you wanna go out with me?' everyone likes water so he has to say yes."
  • I'm annoyed. I'm at starbucks, and I'm surrounded by 6 sorority girls who've talked for 2 hours about nothing but how their

funny sayings 2014 02 24

  • High way to melbourne looks like there's been a zombie eclipse, dead kangas everywhere!
  • Science is hard... so it must be wrong!
  • Hey pretty, wanna date me ? Yes=smile , No=backflip.
  • At the end of a great first date, I went in for a kiss on the cheek. But instead of a kiss back, he just pushed his cheek into mine and yelled "Cheek bump!".
  • Th

funny sayings 2014 02 21

  • My girlfriend said to go out and get her something that make her look sexy, so I came back drunk.
  • I love you with all my butt, I would say heart, but my butt's bigger.
  • A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.
  • Exercise Block: put the block on the floor, walk around it , you have now walked around the block. Do it again.
  • I am a firm belie

funny sayings 2014 02 18

  • Everyone says there are plenty of fish in the sea, you just have to use the right lure. Unfortunately women aren't fish.
  • If prisons let prisoners take their own mugshots, would it be called cellfies?
  • A Valentine's Poem: Roses are red, violets are blue, chocolates are pricey, and the same color as poo.
  • Everything happens for a reason, sometimes tha

funny sayings 2014 02 14

  • To whomever leaves the coffee pot empty: If you don't know how to make coffee, please come see me. I'd be glad to teach you. If you're too important to make coffee, please come see me. It would be an honor to meet you.
  • A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world. Oh sorry, that's wine. Wine does that.
  • I was doing some research on a t


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