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funny sayings 2013 04 18

  • Tell her you already got her something and have her guess what it is. She'll probably list some thing she's been wanting.
  • You know your neighbors have a good sense of humor when 1) they own a lifesize velociraptor and 2) they push it up to their next door neighbor's window during the night.
  • I think its weird that we can see the sun the the moon but we can't see t

funny sayings 2013 04 11

  • An old woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you" ... Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?" ... She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."
  • Every time I see someone use the initials HP, I automatically think they're referring to Harry

funny sayings 2013 04 04

  • What is 666? The number of the beast.
  • What is 668? The number of the beast's next-door neighbor.
  • What is 666.00000? The high-precision number of the beast. And 0.666 is the millibeast.
  • What is 665.95? The retail price of the beast, and $699.25 is the price with sales tax, though you can get the beast at Wal-Mart for just $606.66
  • I'm going

funny sayings 2013 03 28

  • I glance at the tv and the first thing I see is the program title at the bottom of the screen: "A New Pope". My mind immediately jumped to the thought of a Catholic retelling of Star Wars Episode IV.
  • It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. Clearly, there is room for more wine.
  • Got to the Starbucks drive-thru counter and was told that my coffe

funny sayings 2013 03 21

  • Alcohol may not solve your problems, but neither will water or milk.
  • The founder of Match.com, Gary Kremen, lost his girlfriend to a man she met on Match.com
  • Today I sent out a text saying "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it ?". 12 people called me. I think I need some smarter friends..
  • Googling your symptoms when you don't feel well is the most e

funny sayings and quotes 2013 03 14

  • Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing that privilege.
  • My Phone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways.
  • Life is what happens to you while you are looking at your smartphone.
  • Can pregnant people use the car pool lane?
  • When someone says "He's a good guy once you get to know him".

funny sayings 2013 03 07

  • I once gave a girl a bloody fake ear in a Tiffany jewlery box with a letter that said, "will you Gogh to prom with me". Yeah, I guess I'm a romantic.
  • Just got shot twice, and by someone I thought I could trust. You never expect a nurse to do that to you.
  • The key to a long relationship: keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
  • Women don't want to

Yo Mama is so Fat... Jokes!

  • Yo mama is so fat that her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.
  • Yo mama is so fat that when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live.
  • Yo mama is so fat that the National Weather Service names each one of her farts.
  • Yo mama is so fat that when she wears a yellow raincoat, people yell "taxi!"

funny sayings 2013 02 21

  • Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
  • If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can't get in without a Costco membership card.
  • "I'd be a horrible mother. Mainly becauase I'm still scared of the dark. You can't be a

funny sayings 2013 02 07

  • Boys may go in and out of my life but food will always please me :)
  • So in an idiotic attempt to try and get my woman back, I decided to snap my Halo 4 disk in half. Haha...What the freakin hell kind of fantasy land did I go to that day? Now I'm womanless and Haloless! SO STUPID!
  • I read recipes the same way I read science fictions. I get to the end and I think...

funny sayings 2013 01 31

  • Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up.
  • Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
  • Can't we give Lance Armstrong a break? I tried riding a bike once on drugs. If anything it was a lot harder. I was in a hedge within seconds.
  • Every girl's dream is to have a guy cal

funny sayings 2013 01 24

  • I left 3 notes scattered around the house earlier for my girlfriend. They said "will", "you", "me". That will keep her busy while I watch sports.
  • If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49 today. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman brothers, you would have $0 t

funny sayings 2013 01 17

  • If you had to take a shot for everybody you had sex with, would you be Fine, Tipsy, Drunk or Dead?
  • My boyfriend is such a badass when he trash talks on Call of Duty! Said no girl ever.
  • Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
  • Carpet Alarm Clock. Forces you


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