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funny sayings 2013 07 08

  • Guns are welcome on premises: please keep all weapons holstered unless need arises, in such a case, judicious marksmanship is appreciated.
  • Why do I barely get service in my house but the god damn Taliban can upload videos from a cave in Afghanistan.
  • A clothing company has come out with new 3D T-shirts. Which is great, but you know who's been wearing 3D T-shirts

funny sayings 2013 07 05

  • Whenever you do something stupid, just remember that Roman emperor Caligula waged a war on Poseidon. He had his army march to the beach and told them to start stabbing the water.
  • How to teach your children about tax: eat 30% of their icecream.
  • One of the worst things about politics? Nobody remembers how much they hated the previous guy because they're too busy

funny sayings 2013 07 03

  • Why must God test us pretty people so much more than the regular lumpy people?
  • I avoid online dating sites because they match you up with people who share your interests. I don't want to go out with a weirdo.
  • In honor of Kim and Kanye's baby "North West" I will be naming my first son "Taco"
  • Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it's wide, use th

Things you might say if you never took Physics

  • Things you might say if you never took Physics: "Everyone has an energy field."
  • Things you might say if you never took Physics: "Everything goes from order to disorder, so life shouldn't exist."
  • Things you might say if you never took Physics: "I'm cold. Let's snuggle to make each other warmer."
  • Things you might say if you never took Physics: "I'm overweight

funny sayings 2013 06 27

  • Facebook has hashtags. Instagram has videos. Soon all social networking will meld into one big, gelatinous ooze that will consume us all. And it still won't have a dislike button.
  • Conductor: "When you play that phrase, it should sound like the heavens opening, like all of humanity crying out with joy." Trombones: "So do you want it louder or softer?"
  • Tried to drow

funny sayings 2013 06 25

  • Love is not having to hold your farts in anymore.
  • I think its funny that people who treat you like crap get offended when you finally do the same to them.
  • Alcohold does not make you FAT. It makes you lean... against tables, chairs, floors, w alls and ugly people.
  • I have a disease called AWESOME, you don't understand it since you don't have it.

Rules For dating my daughter

  • 1. Get a job.
  • 2. Understand I don't like you.
  • 3. I'm everywhere.
  • 4. You hurt her, I hurt you.
  • 5. Be home 30 minutes early.
  • 6. Get a lawyer.
  • 7. If you lie to me, I will find out.
  • 8. She's my princess, not your conquest.
  • 9. I don't mind going back to jail.
  • 10. Whatever you do to her, I will do to you

funny sayings 2013 06 22

  • Facebook: helping stalkers since 2004.
  • Did you know that a large group of baboons is called a congress? That explains a lot now.
  • Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
  • We have beer as cold as your ex-girlfriend heart.
  • Women always say they love a man in uniform but when I go clubbing in my Mc

funny sayings 2013 06 18

  • In America they call it Survivor, in Canada we call it camping.
  • SARCASM: the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
  • Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, and I wonder: How the f**k did I ever become this awesome?
  • "Live life like it's your last day." If I lived by that motto, I would have either been killed or arrested a long time ago.

funny sayings 2013 06 13

  • Friends don't let friends clap on one and three
  • Welcome to Organic Chemistry, where questions like 'Where do you keep your chloroform?" are no longer suspicious.
  • My new facebook status: [Status only available for Facebook Gold account holders].
  • When girls are pregnant how do there belly's get big if there baby eats everything they eat? I thought the baby s

funny sayings 2013 06 11

  • Don't be a fool, wrap your tool.
  • Don't be silly, wrap your willy.
  • Cover your stump before you hump.
  • If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
  • Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
  • You can't go wrong, if you cover your dong.
  • House your noodle then release your strudel.
  • Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.

funny sayings 2013 06 07

  • I am not sexist. Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
  • That awkward moment when the mother of the screaming kid in the shopping center hears you say 'just kill it.'
  • If you can't handle me at my lindsay lohan then you don't deserve me at my beyonce.
  • Why I wear sunglasses at the beach: Because I can't look at boobs when the sun's in my eyes.

funny sayings 2013 06 03

funny sayings 2013 06 03
  • Baby, you are like a white dwarf star, extremely hot but not very bright.
  • Did you know it takes 462 different muscles to dig a hole deep enough that the police will never find out what you did ?
  • The world's shortest horror story is only two sentences long: "The last man on Earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock at the door." Actu


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