» funny sayings

funny sayings 2014 10 08

  • My dad and I went to see guardians of the galaxy because he still hadn't seen it and when groot is expanding his branches to protect the gang my dad leans over to me and says, "wow groot's really branching out in life."
  • Stupid question of the day: Can anyone tell me if you use a cookie cutter before or after you have cooked the cookies?
  • Jamie just got a bra s

funny sayings 2014 09 17

funny sayings 2014 09 17
  • My favorite co-worker is the coffee machine.
  • Do you think every president goes through a awkward first few weeks in office when they're not sure when's the right time to ask if aliens are real or not?
  • I think I have identified a new teenage behaviour - "Fridge staring". When a teenager opens the fridge door and looks for something to

funny sayings 2014 09 07

funny sayings 2014 09 07
  • When I die, I would like the people I did group projects with to lower me in to my grave so they can let me down one last time.
  • Optimist: my glass is half full. Pessimist: my glass is half empty. Realist: my glass is neither empty nor full. It is what it is. Just a glas of wine. Opportunist: while you idiots were arguing about the content of

funny sayings 2014 08 31

funny sayings 2014 08 31
  • If a man says he will fix it. He will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months.
  • Can't dance? Spell your name in the air with your butt.
  • People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer. They just like to pee a lot.
  • When I'm a parent I won't take my kid's electronics when they get in trouble. I'll just tak

funny sayings 2014 08 18

funny sayings 2014 08 18
  • It all makes sense now. Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day. Leviticus 20:13 - “If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.” We’ve just been interpreting it wrong all these years.
  • My head says go to the gym but my heart says stay on the internet and eat forever.
  • My boss told me "dress for the job you

funny sayings 2014 07 25

funny sayings 2014 07 25
  • My brilliant child thought that he could get away with getting out of bed and playing with a megaphone. A megaphone..
  • The nature of tech support: we get paid because you don't know how to use Google.
  • Oh hi Becky who refused to kiss me during spin the bottle in 6th grade and now wants to play FarmVille, looks like tables have f**king tu

funny sayings 2014 07 16

funny sayings 2014 07 16
  • I really want to buy one of these grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
  • Having a company tell you they will keep your resume on file in case any job opens up meeting your qualifications is about as empty as the points on Who's Line Is It Anyway.
  • Man buys $100 penis enlarger online, gets se

funny sayings 2014 07 07

funny sayings 2014 07 07
  • The most dangerous phrase in the language is "we've always done it this way."
  • I heard a kid say "but DAAAAD" and his dad said "Did you just call me BUTT-DAD? You're grounded".
  • Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we're both sitting in our underwear eating donuts.
  • Workers

funny sayings 2014 06 25

funny sayings 2014 06 25
  • Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have diarrhea.
  • They should put prizes in tampon boxes, be like yeah your period sucks but here's 50% off of some ice cream.
  • When a woman is attracted to man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal. That explains why every girl I talk to sounds like batman...
  • Life becomes eas

funny sayings 2014 06 13

funny sayings 2014 06 13
  • If you see someone crying, ask if it is because of their haircut.
  • If a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
  • The secret to enjoying wine: I) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. II) when it does not breathe, give it a mouth-to-mouth.

funny sayings 2014 06 09

  • True love is when girlfriend has to pee really bad but is waiting for nails to dry, so boyfriend has to come into the bathroom with her and learn how to wipe a hoo-ha :0)
  • You can't drink all day ... If you don't start in the morning.
  • "Boys will be boys" is the lamest excuse in the book. You might as well say "I don't know how to parent but I vaguely unders

funny sayings 2014 05 30

funny sayings 2014 05 30
  • Raising a teenager is like trying to nail jello to a tree!
  • I don't have brain farts, my brain completely shits its pants from time to time.
  • What if we spelled 'people' like this: peepole. That would be funny I think.
  • A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone.
  • Hurr

funny sayings 2014 05 23

funny sayings 2014 05 23
  • If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of 4 girls on Instagram, and then comment, "You 3 look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
  • I stubbed my toe and naturally I screamed "MOTHER F***ER" and then my dad poked his head out of the livingroom and said "you rang?"
  • In case of fire: please leave the building before posting it on socia


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