» funny sayings

funny sayings 2014 12 19

  • I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money... I'm sorry. But I've moved on.
  • My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
  • Your child's success or lack of success in sports does not indicate what kind of parent you are. But having an athlete that is coachable, respectful, a reat teammat

funny sayings 2014 12 01

  • A: I want to do a giant puzzle that will last me untile the end of February. B: Date a woman. It will actually last forever.
  • To anyone out there thinking about having kids, today my 2 year old threw a temper tantrum because she couldn't get rid of her shadown.
  • Choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life because that field probably i

funny sayings 2014 11 18

  • "Net Neutrality" is Obamacare for the Internet; the Internet should not operate at the speed of government.
  • Baby I'll treat you like a snow storm. I'll give you 6-8 inches and make it moderately inconvenient to move in the morning.
  • I don't need to flirt, I will seduce you with my awkwardness.
  • Got so high last night we searched for my friend fo

funny sayings 2014 11 10

  • College is easy. It's like riding a bike. Except the bike is on fire and you're on fire and everything is on fire and you're in hell.
  • Being against gay marriage is like being mad that someone else had pizza for dinner when you prefer hamburgers.
  • I eat cake because it's somebody's birthday somewhere.
  • Why use Google, when Jesus has all the answers?

funny sayings 2014 10 22

  • A drug store is a retail establishment where a person can buy condoms and any other random thing they can grab so they're not just buying condoms.
  • My girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn't want a cat. So we compromised and got a cat...
  • It's not a sunday unless you completely waste it then feel really sad around 8pm.
  • My little cousin got bit by a hous

funny sayings 2014 10 08

  • My dad and I went to see guardians of the galaxy because he still hadn't seen it and when groot is expanding his branches to protect the gang my dad leans over to me and says, "wow groot's really branching out in life."
  • Stupid question of the day: Can anyone tell me if you use a cookie cutter before or after you have cooked the cookies?
  • Jamie just got a bra s

funny sayings 2014 09 17

funny sayings 2014 09 17
  • My favorite co-worker is the coffee machine.
  • Do you think every president goes through a awkward first few weeks in office when they're not sure when's the right time to ask if aliens are real or not?
  • I think I have identified a new teenage behaviour - "Fridge staring". When a teenager opens the fridge door and looks for something to

funny sayings 2014 09 07

funny sayings 2014 09 07
  • When I die, I would like the people I did group projects with to lower me in to my grave so they can let me down one last time.
  • Optimist: my glass is half full. Pessimist: my glass is half empty. Realist: my glass is neither empty nor full. It is what it is. Just a glas of wine. Opportunist: while you idiots were arguing about the content of

funny sayings 2014 08 31

funny sayings 2014 08 31
  • If a man says he will fix it. He will. There is no need to remind him every 6 months.
  • Can't dance? Spell your name in the air with your butt.
  • People who drink light beer don't like the taste of beer. They just like to pee a lot.
  • When I'm a parent I won't take my kid's electronics when they get in trouble. I'll just tak

funny sayings 2014 08 18

funny sayings 2014 08 18
  • It all makes sense now. Gay marriage and marijuana being legalized on the same day. Leviticus 20:13 - “If a man lays with another man he should be stoned.” We’ve just been interpreting it wrong all these years.
  • My head says go to the gym but my heart says stay on the internet and eat forever.
  • My boss told me "dress for the job you

funny sayings 2014 07 25

funny sayings 2014 07 25
  • My brilliant child thought that he could get away with getting out of bed and playing with a megaphone. A megaphone..
  • The nature of tech support: we get paid because you don't know how to use Google.
  • Oh hi Becky who refused to kiss me during spin the bottle in 6th grade and now wants to play FarmVille, looks like tables have f**king tu

funny sayings 2014 07 16

funny sayings 2014 07 16
  • I really want to buy one of these grocery checkout dividers but the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.
  • Having a company tell you they will keep your resume on file in case any job opens up meeting your qualifications is about as empty as the points on Who's Line Is It Anyway.
  • Man buys $100 penis enlarger online, gets se

funny sayings 2014 07 07

funny sayings 2014 07 07
  • The most dangerous phrase in the language is "we've always done it this way."
  • I heard a kid say "but DAAAAD" and his dad said "Did you just call me BUTT-DAD? You're grounded".
  • Was arguing with my 2 y/o for 30 minutes about why he needs to wear his pants and now we're both sitting in our underwear eating donuts.
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